One Who has my back

One Who has my back

In the darkness that confines me

In the silence that shouts back

In the never ending questions 

There is One who has my back.

He doesn’t say much, He’s just there

It’s uncomfortable somewhat to me

For I want answers, light, direction 

A path that’s plain enough to see

Instead He sits there with me.

It’s still dark and panicky

And then One word from Jesus

“Just sit still down here with Me”

So on a park bench underground,

Awaiting the right train on track

I choose to sit down here with Jesus 

He’s the One who has my back.

I envision myself waiting at a subway station. It’s pitch black because the lights aren’t on. I see train after train zoom by and I reach for my pack ready to hop on. “We can’t stay here!” I tell Jesus. “This isn’t working.” I say. But He pulls me back to the old park bench and puts His hand around my shoulder. “That’s not the right one yet” and so again I’m sitting in silence with Jesus… maybe sometime our train will come in. Maybe someday answers will come. Maybe someday life won’t be as heavy.. I don’t know… I haven’t been willing to sit quietly in darkness. But I want to try..  I trust the Maker of darkness and light.

Written in weakness. Thanks to many prayers life is lighter and brighter!

Missing you

This post feels unfinished. Rugged. Torn. Raw edged. This is also how I feel. I reckon that’s part of having someone or ones(papa g) gone from here.

Also I know that some of the other grandkids (the real ones) pry feel this more keenly than I do! So understand me here!😅

Oh Granpa… how we missed you.  Your stories. Your presence. 

I’m so glad I knew you for as long as I did. I’m so glad you’re in Heaven. I’m so glad you’re whole again..

How I wonder what Christmas in heaven was like. Was the snow falling? Did you worship the Baby King? Did you sing in the Heavenly Christmas choir with energy? 

Could you see your children and grandchildren and great grandkids these past couple days? Were you our guardian angel? 

And thank you. Thank you for the legacy you left. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for being you!

Christmas Angels

My mind is full. Many thoughts shuffle past each other, bounce off the wall of my brain, and look for a place to call home. Through them all though comes a thought pattern that does have a beginning and an end. And keeps resonating with me.

    What inspires you this year about Christmas? Different years being different inspirations for me. Here is this years inspiration from Heaven.

     “Angels sing to Him, sing your love to Him, He’s our Lord and King. Alleluia! Angels sing to Him, sing your love to Him, He’s our Lord and King. Alleluia!”*

  Angels. Light. Song. Him. Love. 

  Early morning brings a puking feverish little girl, who fights taking medicine. As the medicine comes back up, my temper rises as well. And then I hear it. “Angels sing to Him, sing your love to Him, He’s our Lord and King. Alleluia! With the sweet song comes a message that can’t be misunderstood. “You’re Summer’s angel. Sing to her. Show her your love. Do it for Me”  and the job that was sour now has purpose.

    Keeping blonde bangs from getting in the way of the bucket, a camping trip tainted with fussy children, a little girl in a tailspin after her knee and palm meet with asphalt, I despair quite easily at the endless opportunity to give. But if I listen, the song is still playing. “Angels sing to Him sing your love to Him, He’s our Lord and King. Alleluia!”

   Miraculously it makes a full December bearable. Somehow it makes Christmas a collection of treasured memories and peaceful moments. It makes the “snatches of joy” in life sparkle.

  Christmas comes home to my heart. In being someone’s angel. Being someone’s music. Giving someone light.

*Bethlehem by Dorothy Good

At random

   I suppose at the end of the day I’ll still wonder where the sweet nurse named Geraldyn is. And what she is up to. I’ll still wonder how the next few months will be. I’ll still hope the bills get paid.

      At the end of the day I suppose I’ll still have lots to pray about and life will still be a constant self denial. God will still have to remind me that through Him, I am enough.

 But at the end of today God will still be God. He will still love me. Even with unanswered questions. Even with unfinished tasks. Even with lost things that can’t seem to be found. 

    And at the end of today, God’s daily special will still be miracles.

I’m thankful for daily miracles.

I’m thankful 

God allows the perfect people to cross our paths at the perfect time.

God made baby chicks just like He did.

God gave us 2 little girls 

God made Jace a farmer boy 

God gave me just the friends I needed 

I can be this family’s chaos coordinator (I’d like that sticker for the back of my car. It’d be just a little sticker so the red neck in me wouldn’t shine so bright🤣)

Hope your day is perfection!🤩

I choose you

Often I feel overwhelmed with the children I have. I feel like I’m not cut out to be a parent. I feel like there so many that parent better than I do. Yesterday morning I was thinking about holding my first baby for one of the first times in the hospital and thinking how drastic life would change and how naive I was to the things that could be. Then the Lord gave me this inspiration.. and I am humbled and thankful to Him that He is willing to go with me, and give me inspirations to help the burdens.

I knew every trial you’d face

I knew every time you’d embrace

I’d walked every road that you’d walk

And I still chose you.

I choose you even tho you make mistakes

I choose you even tho you despair

I’d choose you again and again

Because you are perfect for them.

Ask me to walk with you each day

When hard things trip you up pray and pray

And remember I placed you here

It’s about Me and not you so don’t fear.

I am with you all day and all night

When your child doesn’t sleep or is tucked in tight.

I love you the same either way.

And remember I chose you. And am choosing you each day.

Nostalgia

Back in the good ole days.. back in MS Under mom and dads roof. Less responsibility. Back when worries were small. Or when it was just Jace and I. And we could sleep in. we could go to bed early or late. I miss those days.

I miss supper time around the old family table with everybody. And no phones involved. I miss going to youth in the silver Altima that wasn’t mine. I miss living with sisters that I fought with. I miss going to church with the people that watched me grow up. And helped shape me into the person I am. I miss after church snacks at bumpers that didn’t make my pocketbook feel empty.  I miss chicken barns and walker mowers.

But if I was back then I’d miss things too. I’d miss Jace coming home every evening. I’d miss my two year olds random observations. I’d miss Saylor’s last little smile around her paci to me as she nods off to sleep. I’d miss baby lotion and cuddles. I’d miss my Florid people. I’d miss Hailey Rae coming over after school. I’d miss cooper. And I’d miss the grown up conversations o can have with my sisters! I’d miss my little chicken barn. I’d miss my best friend working at the shop on my yard. I’d miss the sound parenting advice I get from sisters at church.

And if I was denied this moment I’d miss it too. I reckon it’s all part of growing up. All part of getting big.. 

joy is now. And i want to be a part of that joy.

Miss Mother Behind The Mark

Have you heard of her? SHE is the problem. She has problems, she is the reason things are the way they are. She gowns up in guilt- dutifully. Every morning she misses a beautiful dawn because she is packing her daily “I can fix it” backpack. It’s a heavy, a lot of responsibility bag. Or wait, maybe she misses the dawn because the night before she slept with the back pack and upon opening her eyes with the morn, realizes how heavy it is. Cumbersome. She struggles to even sit up in bed.

     Miss Behind The Mark is the reason her family is as poor as they are. Or what is poor? She doesn’t really know. She just knows that is she would keep better books, do her own sewing, not have so many appointments, meal plan, buy groceries on sale and maybe not so many for her family, be more organized at home so she could get more house jobs, they’d be so much better off financially. Everyone would surely be happier. Even if she’d try and clean her own home better things would not be fall aparty like they are. Yes she’s the problem.

       Her children are definitely real.. not some fairy tale dream angels. No sir! The will in those kids are hot and heavy. And it’s her fault. She’s let them win over her almost every time. Or she must have. Other parents, other kids sure don’t have these problems.. her friends must surely go home and shake there heads at this method of child training. She’s a failure. She must be firmer, bossier, stricter. She’s convinced her kids will grow up to be sloppy and don’t care. Her two year old fights and begs her to not comb her hair. And doesn’t happily comply when it’s getting combed. There is so much coaxing. Yes they are destined to be the county slobs.  In fact miss misfit is a weak person because other mothers would gawk at the things she allows. A dog? In the house? Colors? On the carpet? Food? Outside the high chair? And who but this parental failure would have a pen/sharpie/toothpick in reach of grubby fingers? Yes definitely she’ll be needing to try harder. For she’s not consistent. In fact she doesn’t do anything to train the kids. 

   Her hubby doesn’t do everything right either. And she packs that guilt up in the satchel with the rest of the world’s burdens.. sometimes she wonders if they are a match made in Heaven like she has felt they have been before. She’s convinced that she doesn’t deserve his love. Because who is she? She’s jus an old mom. A mom that get impatient. That’s tired. That serves food off paper plates.. His laundry isn’t always put away and let’s not talk about the unmade bed or trash that should’ve been taken out three days ago. The shower in their bathroom, uhh yeah. Her backpack begins to unload on him.. things tumbling out that look like accusations against the dearest that God gave her. There life is less than perfect and he surely could do better to help..

    Her spiritual life too. Wow! If people could really see the mess. And how is it possible to make it to Heaven with the deceit, the wrong, the world we live in today. In fact there is not way

     And then her Creator steps in. Sometimes I’m the form of her mother. Sometimes with a quiet voice that can’t be mistaken.. this is guilt.. this is blame and shame. This is the opposite of faith and trust. This is doing it by yourself.. her eyes open. She realized for the first time in along time that there is a better way. Her Maker did not design her for this guilt. In fact He loves her. And has so much more faith in her than this. He made her a mother. He created the hurricane of love that is two for her. He knew she’d be able to handle it her with him.. even all these doctor’s appointments the hurricane melts in.. even her strong will.. Her maker did give her the love of her life and said it is good. He made it to be a love that lasts. Not just a fleeting romantic before kids, before real life hits love. He tells her that she needs faith. In Him. In herself through Him.. in His saving grace. In His way to Heaven.. and she weeps. She realize the sin if doing it my way. And she steps away from Calvary with freedom. Life is still real. Life is still tough. But there’s sunshine in walking with the Makes. With trusting her husband because He’s created the union. And hand in hand they can do it!

#reallife

Tired, weary, crampy feet

She knew they needed a sweet treat.

‘‘Twas found on the recliner seat.

But lo, there was no time

Her mother called from far away

“We have a problem here today”

And so she fell on knees to pray

While her daughter ate her fish.

Her Ford Explorer zoomed to town

Her spirits feeling not so down

She must return shirts to amazon

And groceries and target were her goal

She stopped for lunch at a grocery store 

As far as time- she needed more

But baby M was not impressed

At the choice of its mothers sustenance

The baby inside threw a royal fit

But the momma made it to her appointment.

In one whole piece!! Imagine that!

After target and UPS

She headed home-Home to a mess

A short nap while her daughter napped

(She was still at her nanas-are you surprised at that?)

There was supper to be made and groceries to be put away

But she chose to go out on this hot hot hot day.

Even the chickens today didnt lay.

After all, it was a Monday..

So the housewife escaping the mess

Went outside in this heat and mowed some grass.

The farmer came home

What a nice thing to see

The family ate supper

And rode golf cart with glee

Again the housewife escaped from themaze

The dishes, the groceries, the diapers the CRAZE

but she soon then repented and worked like she should

And now she’s enjoying some time with her brood… (Even tho it’s only two in her brood)

Traditions

I’m glad  the Lord cares about me to give me inspirations! This one strengthened my faith in the Church. 

“Old Daniel of old, he was asked not to pray. To his God up in Heaven in his own usual way…

Usual…. What would’ve been the outcome of Daniel if he would be have prayed like sometimes I’m tempted to do. Or have done before.. “oh God just understand and allow this to pass this time…” “Just let me off easy..” I imagine myself in Daniel’s shoes sighing this prayer as I walk up the steps and pray near my window.. Maybe kneel underneath the window. Low enough to where I cannot be seen.. or Maybe I jus kneel beside my bed. Or don’t kneel at all during the 30 days? 

I don’t know how God would’ve looked at that.  I would’ve still prayed! Sure.!!

But I wouldn’t be giving God myself.. Sometimes I groan and sigh about some of “our” traditions.. and wonder can’t we be less traditional! Or I feel like we are just stuck in a rut.. but this gave me courage to embrace those. Maybe sometimes they need to change. Maybe sometimes we are stuck in a rut. Maybe we do need to think outside the box. I don’t mean to say we don’t. But I want to make sure to take an extra look and make sure that I’m still willing to let God have all of me.

Sean Dietrich

Many of you have asked about our evening last night with Sean! I can’t wait to give you a run down! 

Thanks to the book club members- especially Sharon- for inviting me and getting my ticket! You definitely deserve credit here!

Also thanks to my dear parents in law for watching my baby! And also my husband to finished the evening out with her!

The Monroville Library had asked Sean to come speak at the Old Courthouse Museum(because the library had not enough room) for the 95th year celebration!

We carpooled. Drove to Monroville. And ate supper at the Mockingbird cafe.. (I think that’s what it was called!) Some of the food was great, like the fried pickles- some not so good, like Gloria’s grilled “chicken breast”, or what was it? The food was affordable tho and we decided that to be able to make it affordable,  they backed off on running the A.C. I wouldn’t give it ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️  But I’d definitely go back! 

We must’ve been Sean fans because the doors to the courthouse didn’t open until 6:30, but we were there at 5:45! It payed off tho and we got great seats!! I personally sat on the second bench in the isle!! That was five star!

 Finally the long awaited Sean Dietrich appeared! It felt unreal. Unbelievable that I! Me! Was here! It wasn’t a dream.. but was FOR REAL! Needless to say I was pumped! The crowd erupted with clapping and he proceeded to sing awhile! Very very enjoyable to listen to! Hilarious most of the time! He talked for close to an hour. Some singing with the crowd singing along with him. I wasn’t sure if we sang all the songs as slow as Southern Baptist do or not?! But at least we all sang together! And then best of alllllllllllllllllllll best we got to meat him and talk to him! Totally the Best part of this year yet! I’m so glad we were close to the last of the line so we could chat awhile and not feel too rushed! And what do you even say to him? For sure in a group? But it all turned out so much better than I imagined! And you know what? I’m more of a Sean fan than ever before!

Ahemmmm.. he thanked me for laughing at his jokes🫣 and also signed my book thanks for laughing! He said he could count on me🙈 little embarrassed but I am who I am.. and mom and dad?! Didn’t you try to get me laugh quieter all my growing up years? Yeah! I’m sorry I failed last night!

Earth-sided vision

I saw it. The pain in your eyes. And it shot a dagger through my very soul. The part of you that wanted to stay. Because you had so much to see yet. So much to do. . 

 I know you would’ve liked to see all your grands and great grands live life in their prime. I, by watching you, felt that pain somewhere to. 

But what’s it like from the other side.?

I believe Heaven is all and more that you ever missed out on here. And I’m so glad you’re free from pain, free from sadness, free from all your hard times.

 But I only see it from this side and I wish I could go back and do some things differently. And all the good times we had? Yeah, I wish I would’ve known what I had then. 

 Often when my day is fraught with seeming failure, I wonder if you can see me trying my best? It spurs me on to continue with this journey and gives me courage because I know you want us and our little ones in Heaven with you someday. 

Anger, fear and frustration want to boil inside me at times and I don’t understand why. Why all the grief in the world.. why? We serve an Almighty God and He could reach down and in one touch- one word- one motion- heal. Mend broken hearts right now. Cure cancer. Reverse ugly diseases.. 

But then I remember that this Almighty is the one that continues to love me when I doubt Him. Continues to wrap His arms around me when I’m angry. Continues to wait with me in the hallway as I’m waiting for direction as to where to from here. And He continues to lead me. On and on. Some days are pleasant and I praise him. Other days I almost forget that He’s in control..  And no. I still don’t know why He chooses to heal some and others continue to be ill. But I must choose to leave it. Choose to trust that His ways are truly better than mine.

Happy New Year

A few of my friends from here have inspired me to have a word of the year. Aka #woty..

       This can be a word/phrase that’s been impressive to you- or maybe it’s something that you feel is lacking in your life.. 

   Last year my woty was REST. It was something I desperately needed! And it was fun to practice it!! 

    This year it is contentment.. I’ve really felt a lack of it lately. Without this I am grouchy. I see what other people have or do and I feel like my life is below the mark and there’s no way to be happy..  If only my yard was landscaped like so and so, I could drive in my driveway and feel accomplished.. 

  If only my house was cleaner I could be more relaxed. 

  If only I could work as hard and be as efficient like “she”was than my life would feel complete.. but no. I’m still Erica. And I can try really hard to be like “her” but not without great tribulation.. 

The Lord has been speaking to me and inspiring me with how happy I can make my home/husband/child if I can be content with what I have and make the best out of it.

 And it really does work! I can keep up the landscaping I do have.. I can make the most out of my little house by doing the laundry and keeping it tidy.! And even tho it doesn’t have the modern touch of coziness that “her” house does it still can be a happy home! 

I can work to the best of my ability- limiting screen time and trying to be efficient and then feel good about it because I’ve tried my best! 

I think God loves to abide in homes where there is contentment. For me- contentment brings peace. And peace is what this world desperately needs!

like the little child’s book that says “Whatever your home, it is happy indeed. If you love what you have , and you have what you need!

I challenge you! Choose yourself a WOTY and practice it! It’s fun! Bonus points if you tell me what it is!

I Live Here

In the maze of popcorn

Of toys and spilled sweet tea.

When my nerves are frazzled 

And the floor is hard to see

When my burdens heavy

And my work is rarely done

When the little girl You gave us

Need needs attention from her mom

When my Christmas gifts aren’t wrapped

And Christmas is very close

When a story’s more important 

Than a floor that’s clean and it shows.

Help me Lord to jus remember

That you are ever near

Help Lord to slow my pace

And help me find You here

For I know that You live here

I’ve felt Your presence near

Catching me before I fall

Into a tantrum or a fear 

And thank you Lord, that you don’t care what my house looks like or if my floor is clean,or book works done, or gifts wrapped as long as I’m trying my best!

Thank you Lord for living here!

Air Mail to Heaven

“One step at a time, walking with Jesus, one step at a time with His hand in mind. Though the road is rough, winding and so rugged. I will make it home. One step at a time.”

Did you hear them sing it? Did you know the emotions that flew through my mind… the memories? Was it pretty? Is it still your theme song? Do the angels sing it for you? Maybe you sing it now! I feel almost abit bitter tonight and I know it will pass. But I don’t like change. Never hav. And this is such a big one. Why? I know they say cancer never wins but sometimes I wanna fight that to. But I know in the light of eternity, cancer didn’t win. You did! You always liked to win. Or I think you did! And you ran a good race. And you won. You beat us all to Heaven! And you got a blue ribbon.. Sometimes the healing for everyone involved seems long but  like your song says“with His hand in mine- I can face the future. With his hand in mine- He will bear the load. Then some day I’ll reach Heavens shining portals one step at a time He will guide me home.” And I know he will. We sensed Him guiding you home and the submission you had. So we will submit to.. alright.. it’s getting late here on earth and we get tired down here.. good night.

I promise♥️

A Step Above

“Oh punkin- so many things to learn. Hope your day is good” My phone alerts me with this message. “Hmmmph” I sigh. “Yeah, this punkin does have a lot to learn.” And good luck on my day. Getting pedicures with a toddler? Who has ever been so stupid? Why can’t we just leave the kids. Why can’t I just have a day out? Why can’t I just stay home? Why? Who even cares about birthdays?” And the rant goes on and on. Torrents of anger spew out on paper like rain from hurricane ida. Suddenly, I see it as selfish, all these “I deserve more sleep- I don’t deserve these storms to keep me awake at night- I deserve a day out- I deserve to feel better” attitudes. And maybe it is my turn to feel better maybe not. Maybe my body is screaming for more sleep, maybe things haven’t gone my way for awhile- but finally has life went your way lately? Didn’t think so. I must remember today that this is the child I prayed for. God created her- like all of us- with unique needs. I am privileged to be her mother. I will pack that diaper bag to the gills- and I’ll hold my head up high when I pull out the 3rd bottle of milk for my one year old and it’s only 2:33 pm. 

And I’ll ask to stop for coffee because self love is important to!♥️

As always a disclaimer. Day went absolutely fabulous! Couldn’t ask for anything better! 

A year of thanksgiving

A year ago- I wondered who my baby girl would be. And what would it feel like for her to be ours? 

And now- I know. She’s our tornado- and she’s loved for every bit that she is. I feel very unworthy for all the blessing the last year has been.. and for all who have been a blessing in helping us get through it. Not every minute of it would I want to re-live. But it has been so good.

And I feel like God is the giver of these blessings.

He’s blessed us with a supportive “village” we could have not done without.

A huge thank you to Big daddy and Nana. To being the BEST neighbors a girl could ask for. Thanks for giving me/us breaks from Summer. Has helped my mental capacity tremendously. Thanks for coming over into a house that the floor sometimes can hardly be seen.. for vacuuming. For washing dishes, for folding laundry.. y’all are the best.!♥️ 

And thanks for your unconditional love.

Thanks to Pops and Mimi- you can’t be here always like we’d like but your prayers for the cause has given me strength probably only God knows. And thanks for the times you have come- and have babysat like at the lake! Thanks for you unconditional love ❤️ 

 

A shoutout to all our siblings and friends.. for your willingness to hang out with us. And having high maintenance kids along with us. And for loving the little children♥️ 

We still need your advice and love! I truly believe it does take a village to raise a child! Thanks for being a part of ours!🤍